Warning. What you are about to read is ABSOLUTELY ridiculous. I wrote it years ago. It is mostly true, but I may have misremembered a few things due to being a child of the 80s. Viewer discretion advised.
May 2015
After all the #racecar winning of last episode, we found it hard to find any peace and quiet among the throngs of adoring fans. We had no choice but to hop into the van and make a dramatic exit in a cloud of tire smoke. Having reached the pinnacle of motorsports on our very first outing we decided to retire and pursue something else.
How about the #vanlife thing? Let’s see what it’s all about.
First up was a familiar spot in nearby Buckingham County. We’d camped at this place the previous Summer with our Jeep Cherokee, and I’d hunted grizzly bear there last Fall. On that specific outing Lybian terrorists sabotaged my Jeep while I was out chasing my prey, and on the ride home I found that if my speed went below 88 mph Jack Bauer would explode. I talked about it somewhere else…
Anyways, long story short: A bit of quick thinking had me cut a random red wire under the dash, diffusing the bomb, but it also caused my headlights to go out. Good thing I knew how to find the North Star or I’d never have made it home that night.
Needless to say we had a few scores to settle on this camping trip, with both the bears and the Lybians. But first up on our agenda was tracking down some food.
After hours of intense pursuit, we still hadn’t found the first bear or Lybian. Yet, despite the dense jungle and crocodile-infested rivers, we refused to give up the chase. Then we caught our first break. Hiding under a rock, like a terrorist would, we found our first Lybian.
After some enhanced interrogation techniques were deployed he gave up the location of the rest of his ilk. The boys made quick work apprehending the remaining perpetrators. Somewhere Jack Bauer can sleep easier.
They say revenge is best served cold, but not in this case. We grilled up them suckers, along with about eleven pounds of bacon for good measure. Revenge is best served with bacon. Eleven pounds of bacon.
Only thing left to do after breakfast was find them bears. Best to try to draw them into an ambush, though we knew they’d never risk a daytime assault on our camp. In a bid to bait them in I had the kids pour the remainder of the bacon grease on the hood of the van in order that it would resemble a female black bear in heat. All that was left to do at this point was wait.
Later that night we were in for more than we bargained for, as a grizzly bear of Morgoth crawled into camp. Thankfully Gandalf was with us, and after some “YOU SHALL NOT PASS” kinda fireworks we found ourselves feasting on bear-flavored s’mores.
Moral of the story: if you’re gonna try to sabotage a guy’s Jeep, make sure he doesn’t also own an awesome minivan. Cuz you might get yo’self killed.
Moral of the story #2: if you’re gonna eat Lybians and grizzly bears, make sure you brush your teeth.